Becoming a Family of Four

Knox 18 week Ultrasound

My second pregnancy was a bit of an emotional roller coaster.  I had 10 month old Grey in my arms who had started to wean himself from nursing.  I couldn't figure out why until the pregnancy test showed positive!  What a miracle, what a blessing.... what a surprise!  We were going to have TWO children 18 months apart in age.... after the long wait for the first it was not something we expected, but we were thrilled!
From the beginning, I knew this pregnancy was going to be very different.  I had terrible "all day" sickness making it difficult to keep anything down for over 15 weeks with nausea and vomiting that would sometimes resurface at random points throughout the pregnancy.
At 16 weeks, we discovered we would be bringing home another precious baby boy!  BROTHERS!  how awesome!  We knew from day one of this pregnancy his name would be Knox Anderson.

gender reveal photo shoot - BLUE balloons!  It's a BOY!

At 18 weeks, an Ultrasound showed something of possible concern... swelling on Knox's chest wall.  After 48 hours of tears and prayers and fasting, we discovered that of all the possibilities it was the only one I wasn't aware of and it was the only possibility that was non-life threatening.  He had a fetal chest wall Lymphangioma.  We spent the next several months praying for its resolution as we had monthly check-ups by Ultrasound with a perinatologist.  We were blessed to see its growth stop progressing until the point that they could not determine whether it had resolved or if he was just too large and curled up in my womb to evaluate it anymore.  I cannot express how thankful I am for the gift of prayer, fasting and blessings.  It makes scary times like those bearable... to know that a loving Heavenly Father is in control!
At 28 weeks, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes that required medication to control.  It was just another little bump in the road.  I became very good at multiple finger sticks a day and regulating my diet balanced with my medication to keep my sugars in line.  The only problem was the time line it gave both the perinatologist and the OBs caring for me... the risk factors that I was statistically facing that brought up the subject of induction... again.  I so wanted to go into labor on my own, but I was given the deadline of 39 weeks.  I'm pretty sure my babies would stay in past 40 weeks if given the chance and one of these days I will get to do just that, I swear!

So, the date was chosen... May 2nd.  Go into labor on my own before then or else get the dreaded pitocin again.  When early labor started on Tuesday April 30th, I thought my prayer had been answered, but by Wednesday afternoon the contractions had stopped and we kept our scheduled appointment at the hospital and reported in at 6:30am.

Induction Day... in between contractions with my most amazing labor partner!

Tyra's Doula shirt!  Get up and Give Birth!  No laying around for this crew during labor.

Pitocin was started at 7:30am and contractions got off to a slow, but steady start again.  At 9:02am, Dr Harper came to break my water and Parker and I went walking the hallways of L&D.  We had only walked the halways about an hour or so, before things had really picked up.  Tyra, my doula arrived around 10:30am and she and Parker worked their magic complete with hand massages, eflourage (light touch), and pressure point squeezes.  My L&D playlist was going and just before noon my contractions were pretty strong and coming 2-3 minutes apart.  Tyra suggested getting in the laboring tub... but, i thought... isn't this too early?  I was about 5.5 centimeters dilated at this point and definitely in active labor, so she gave the thumbs up on the timing and said "let the water work its magic".

settled in the water, enjoying the immediate relief

Tyra, my doula... keeping me laughing between contractions

It was 12:05pm and sinking into the tub was the same relief I had remembered in Grey's delivery... instant relief from any tension.  But, right behind that I knew was the body's ability to work more efficiently and therefore I knew I would be in the last part of my labor in the next hour in those relaxing waters.  It was instant, the contractions came closer and stronger within minutes of being in the tub and Parker assumed his position as he had at Grey's birth by my head putting pressure on my forehead... my grounding pressure point.  I felt the need to roll onto my stomach in the tub and Tyra and Parker knew that meant I was near the end of transition.  I was in my head, thinking how quickly it felt that things were moving, but it couldn't be!  But, at the same time, I had hoped I was right... things were SO intense.  I felt slight urges to push at the end of each contraction within 30 minutes of being in the tub.

things are definitely picking up in intensity RAPIDLY in the water!!!!

when i flipped over in the tub, Parker and Tyra knew I was getting close... just not aware HOW close until a second later... 

I could hear Tyra and Parker reminding me to breath and relax, but I couldn't tell them that I wasn't holding my breath but was pushing instinctively.  My most awesome nurse, Adrienne, had come to check my dilation.  She calmly asked me, "where did you want to deliver this baby?  Did you want to deliver in the bed?"  I quickly responded that I didn't care and she said, Ok.  We are good then.   With the next contraction, I felt the need to put my hand down to counter the pressure I was feeling.  As I did my body was pushing involuntarily and I felt Knox's head deliver.  "His head, his head" I said.  Adrienne asked me to roll over so she could better see what was going on and ensure it was safe to deliver the rest of him.  He did have a nuchal cord (cord around his neck), so she quickly unwrapped him and with one more push Knox was delivered into the water and I pulled him onto my chest.  His little purple body was so warm and perfect and again I was instantly in love and instantly concerned for this little being.  My doctor had been standing in the bathroom of my labor room watching these last quick minutes, amazed that we had progressed so quickly.  Parker was by my side the entire time and again was my rock.  They placed a blanket over us, Parker "Daddy" placed a cap on Knox's head and cut his cord.  I held him and kissed his sweet face for just a minute before they took him to receive some oxygen and check his vitals after such a quick ride.  He was delivered so quickly his little face and eyes were bruised, but he was perfect and wonderful!!!

One of the only strategically modest shots... but such an amazing moment that I cannot leave it off the blog (since I  upload this to a book for myself)... delivering my own baby with the help of my amazing nurse!  Holy cow!  What an amazing blessing!!!

my amazing nurse Adrienne!

looking up at one of my best friends Heidi (our birth photographer)... such amazement and relief!  He was here!

pinking up and in awe of his beautiful little face!

I walked myself from the tub to the bed in my room wrapped in some warm blankets, axnxiously waiting for my baby to be returned to me. He was within a few minutes and we were able to have our "bonding hour" of uninterrupted contact for Parker and I to take in what had just so quickly happened.  We had just become a family of four!  Another perfect little spirit had been entrusted to our care and we were humbled and in awe and still are.  One of my best friends, Heidi, was in the room with us for that last 45 minutes of the delivery and captured some of these amazing photos, many of which are now for our family collection ONLY due to the unexpected tub delivery...lol  But, they will forever be cherished.

because of his rapid decent and exit, he had to be monitored for a bit after our 'bonding hour'

my sweet little Knox!

holding Mommy's finger

My mom was quickly up at the hospital with Grey and when my now "oldest son" entered the room, I was overwhelmed with emotion.  If it were not for the fact that he is a busy 18 month old, I could have held the two of them in my lap forever in that moment... in awe of the miracle it is that after 11 years of marriage and 9 years actively battling infertility and enduring a long and arduous trial of our faith, we became parents to one perfect little boy and only 18 months later blessed with a second equally perfect angel.

Grey entering our Labor room just shortly after brother was born!

my sweet little man missed his Mommy!  

Grey seeing his little brother for the first time!

I was overcome with emotion.  I thought of the most sacred places I have been in my lifetime... church buildings where I had been taught from my childhood of my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, developed a testimony of them, was baptized, and learned to walk by faith... the most sacred place of the Temple where I was married for time and all eternity to my wonderful husband and where I have returned to worship, learn, feel peace... of my own home where my husband and I try to create an oasis from the outside world... but now I have to add two hospital rooms, LD8 and LD13, to my list... these are now sacred rooms to me... rooms in which I was able to bring my children into the world, witnessing and participating in the arrival of these two miracles, where years of heartache would be healed, where I would begin my journey as a mother and Parker as a father.  In these rooms, my marriage was strengthened, my heart was expanded, and my life forever changed for the better!  

my world!

Family of Four!  

 I can still remember the pain I felt during years of struggling with infertility.  My heart continues to go out to and pray for my sisters (and brothers) struggling with this difficult trial.  To desire to become a parent is such a righteous desire and yet for many, the answer continues to be "wait"... "not now"... and those are difficult answers to accept sometimes.  However, I do continue to testify that there is so much good to be gained and learned when we accept that trial faithfully and learn to trust in God and in His timing.  He gives us what we need, which is better than what we want... and I learned that through the heart ache of infertility.  As Parker and I learned to overcome the natural instinct to be bitter and frustrated, we saw our faith grow, our marriage become stronger, and we learned to depend on the Lord in a way that we could only gain in a trial that was as difficult and long as this one had been for us.   I continue to be humbled and grateful that many years of prayers were answered in this way.  I never doubted the Lord could grant us this righteous desire... even when doctors were doubtful.  I am so thankful that I have been healthy enough at this stage in my life to carry my babies to full term and have successful inductions, even when wishing they weren't necessary, and be able to fully experience the  labor and delivery of both of my sons.  Working in the medical field, I am all too painfully aware of the possible outcomes and to have two healthy babies is a blessing beyond compare!    

Daddy and his boys!

our first visitors... our most AWESOME mothers!  Best Grandmas any boy could ask for!

 

The Fog, Baby training, and Grey Days aka one long blog post

I've been trying to remember what life was like before Grey came into our world... when I was struggling to become a mother... all those years with an underlying focus... something to dedicate prayers and fasts to so dilligently.  Infertility is a particularly effective refiner's fire... and I felt its fire everyday for nine years.  I thought I would never forget the intense emotions I felt.  But, much like the intense and overwhelming pains of childbirth are quite foggy and hazy, so are the pains of longing that were so prevalent for all those years.  Tender mercies are never ceasing.

I have to admit, though, that the above mentioned isn't the only fog I have experienced in the last 6 months.  I spent so much time reading books on childbirth to prepare for an unmedicated birth, that I forgot to read a single book on actually caring for a newborn.  Sleep training in particular escaped me.  Learning to nurse, properly burp, swaddle, and nap Grey had me on Google looking for answers... I learned that my son was very opinionated and very persistent.  I was out to prove I was equally persistent and wasn't going to let Grey "learn" bad habits by taking the easy way out.  I also wanted to prove to my doubting friends and family that the same behavior modification concepts that worked in dog training WOULD indeed be applicable with children. I knew if a dog could pick up subtle cues and was constantly learning how to get what he wanted out of the world, then my son would be far more capable of such things.... afterall, he was already brilliant of course!

I had decided to sleep him in his crib in his nursery from 3 weeks on, as Tracey Hogg stated in her book... "start as you mean to go on".  My childhood daybed, that takes up residence in our office (adjacent to his nursery) found new life... with our master on the main floor and his nursery up, I spent  many hours trying to sleep in between nursing sessions there.  I discovered that Grey, who had started out an average 7lbs 3oz, but dropped to 6lbs 6oz within days due to his excessively high bilirubin, wanted to make up for lost time.  He was constantly hungry and who was I to stunt his growth?  Enduring two bouts of mastitis and ductal yeast infections proved more challenging than pitocin induced contractions... I had to keep talking to myself... keeping things in perspective by contrasting any discomfort to what I experienced delivering Grey.  But, I was not going to be beat... I waited this long for this baby... I WAS going to nurse him.  Plus, avoiding rising costs of formula in today's economy kept me motivated.  I remember needing to sign my name on some paperwork at one point and could barely wield a pen, it was then that I started bawling... would I ever get sleep again????  Sleep had been one of my favorite things before my son arrived.  I had an exceptionally good appreciation for it... what would life be like without sleep?  The sleep deprivation fog was fairly impressive.

What people try to explain, but can never do justice, is the overwhelming love you feel for this little person that will someday call you Mom.  I have been fairly obsessed with capturing and remembering all the amazing little things he does.  At first, his ability to hold up his head so early was THE MOST AMAZING thing.  Like I said, he was/is brilliant.  Then it became my life's goal to make him smile... then to make him laugh.  Never in the world had something more perfect existed than this boy's smile and laugh.  Not a day went by that Parker and I did not look at this baby and say..."that is one gorgeous baby!"

       By 12 weeks he had experienced his first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.

We planned his blessing for just before Thanksgiving and were blessed to have Parker's Dad and his sister Summer, Jason and the boys travel to celebrate with us.  My dear friend Leah had found a great classic boutique blessing outfit at a thrift store, still in the plastic wrapping.  Another dear friend (Sandy Isenberger's) mother had hand knit a beautiful white blanket I had won in a YW fundraiser before I became pregnant.  He looked like a little angel.  It was awesome to watch his father give him a blessing in front of our congregation, surrounded by our family.  It was a grey day outside, something that has become my favorite sort of day since the grey drizzly day he was born on.

Well... to say that putting off blogging has made me create the longest blog post in the history of the whole world may be a slight exaggeration.  But, what can I say... this little boy and all the details of life since he arrived have become treasured and I can't bear the thought of forgetting a single moment.  I'm hoping the world wide web will be around longer than me and will help preserve these memories.  Time flies when you are having the greatest time of your life and I promise to return much sooner to fill in the gaps.

XOXO, tammie  

aka proud Mom of Grey

 

He's Here!!!

Parker Grey Barnett

born: October 12, 2011 @ 12:50am

weighing: 7lbs 3oz

We are the proudest, happiest parents!!! Boy this newborn thing is way harder than any labor, but we are ecstatic to finally meet our son and have him and his sweet spirit in our home!

My blood pressure went up at the tail end of our pregnancy unexpectedly and with all the fun symptoms that brought on, we were told it would be best to induce sooner than later.

So, we arranged to be induced on Tuesday October 11th.

Upon arriving at 6:30am, bright and early, we discussed our options and wanted to avoid Pitocin with our goal of a med free delivery...

so, they allowed us to have our water broken instead to see if spontaneous labor ensued. With several failed IV attempts, I missed the opportunity to have my water broken early in the morning. The IV team was called and finally, after one blown vein (you can still see the softball size bruise), good ole Mike got great access and my day could progress.

Dr Harrison arrived at 10:30am to break my water and I must get the reward for strongest membranes EVER, because after 2 attempts we THOUGHT they were ruptured, but not so. An hour later (after taking care of another patient), Dr Harrison popped back in and tried again and "Viola!" water everywhere... lets get walking!

(mere)

At this point, my Mom and Mother-in-law were along for the ride.

Parker repairing squeaky rockers in LD13

Parker and I walked the hallways, my Mom watched some TV, Jan played her Nintendo DS to pass the time. they were great little errand runners. My dear friend Heidi stopped by, snuck me a Jr Cheeseburger from Wendys to keep my energy up and snapped a few photos. My best friend Meredith stopped by, as well, to check on our progress which was SLOW going. I did jumping jacks, walked a ton, and with all that pressure on my cervix with no fluid, we maybe had 3 contractions the entire time... my ticking time clock was putting pressure on our progress, as well. I knew once your water was broken you had a max of 18 - 24 hours to have your baby before a c-section would be suggested. And that was NOT the goal! So, I spoke with my fabulous day nurse, MiMi, and we got the pitocin drip started at 4pm. My amazing doula Tyra was in touch and giving advice via text messaging. No need for her to come in until real labor had started... Tyra was set to teach a childbirthing class at the hospital that night from 6:30-9:30pm (this was in the back of my mind... I knew I needed and wanted her to be there for all the action, so I was hoping I could cope well on my own until after 9:30pm.

The contractions or surges were starting to come now thanks to the Pitocin. I was ready to relax into them, to use my Hypnobirthing breathing techniques that I had practiced. I was ready to help my body progress and not get in its way by letting fear or tension creep in. Before the surges got too powerful, I practiced with each one. I could walk through them, breath through them and thought... this is not bad AT ALL! I can totally do this. Just before 6:30pm, Tyra stopped by on her way to teach her class and we were doing good. Coping with Parker's help... no big deal.

(Tyra)

She brought "Parker" chicken nuggets that I ate most of... labor makes you hungry! Its hard work! Such a silly rule to keep laboring women hungry! Glad I knew better! At 7pm, my new L&D nurse Ginger came on board and introduced herself. I was blessed with GREAT nurses! Loved them both. They both had experience with unmedicated deliveries of their own children and gave me confidence!

my portable monitors

surges
break between surges

another one...
another one...

surges during intermittent monitoring in the room

By 9pm, the surges were coming faster and WAY stronger! Tyra made it up after her childbirth class at just the right time. We needed an extra hand at this point. We kept walking the hallways, helping things move along.

more hallway walking

At this point, there was no walking through the surges... Parker had to hold me up, while Tyra worked on pressure points that helped me cope. The one at the center of my forehead was particularly effective! At my last check I had only dilated to 4cm and I knew I needed to be at least 5cm before I could get in the large jetted tub in my room, to make good forward progress... By close to 11pm I was hoping we were there, because I was ready for a change and I knew the water would bring needed relaxation to my tired body at that point. Dr Harrison checked in before heading to his sleep room down the hallway and said he would be ready... he walked the hallways with us a bit...

walking the halls with Tyra and Dr Harrison

So, just before 11pm, Ginger rechecked me and I had dilated to 6cm!!!

Now I must say that with my love for music, I had put together a most awesome relaxing playlist on my iPod for Labor and Delivery. Complete with 2 heavenly choral arrangements by Eric Whitacre, other favorites by Iron and Wine, Indigo Girls (the wood song), Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, Ben Folds, Jonsi, Coldplay, a few Christian selections by Chris Rice (untitled hymn), Cheri Call (i have a Savior), Hilary Weeks, the song I sang to Parker at our wedding - Feels like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk, Sweet Sweet Baby by Michelle Featherstone, etc...

Parker was a saint and remembered to haul the iPod player to the bathroom, Tyra lit some battery powered hospital approved candles. Just prior to getting in the tub, I paid the price for eating earlier in the day and threw everything up... However, my body knew what was best, because it pushed little Grey down further into my pelvis with the heave ho-ing into the toilet...lol

(the tub!)

So, into the tub I went, equipped with peppermint oil for the nausea and candles for ambiance, courtesy of Tyra, and music thanks to Parker and my iPod playlist. In the tub, I did the hardest work of my life. The contractions...err umm... SURGES, were coming hard and fast and the Pitocin was definitely doing its best work, as well. there wasn't much of a break at first that turned into no break at all between each surge. Within the coarse of the hour in that tub... the message of the music had never been more important. Parker was by my side, helping support me and workin the magic of the pressure point on my forehead. Tyra talked soothingly to me while keeping whatever part of me was sticking out of the tub covered in warm soothing water. Tyra reminded me to keep my voice low (a tip from my other FAVORITE prenatal book... Ina May Gaskins guide to childbirth...amazing!)... my quiet breathing had now turned into low primal moans to cope with the strength of the surges. I remembered the birthing stories in that book and how Ina May told her clients to keep their face and lips relaxed because it directly correlated with the muslces involved in birthing "down below". As the surges became super strong, the track on my iPod was one of the tracks about the Savior... it reminded me to silently pray for strength... and strength came. Then I remember looking over at my husband who was tired, but never faltered by my side to be the support I needed as our wedding song came on... the order of these songs had to be divinely inpsired! The Lord knew how much music meant to me and what a help it would be at these critical moments. I looked over at Parker as that song played and I whispered "I love You"... he reciprocated and I remember how thankful I was that he was here by my side and that I hadn't once in this whole labor and delivery process felt flustered or frustrated or angry and was nothing but thankful for this amazing man that God had blessed me to be my husband! Tears stream down my face as I think of what an amazing partner he was for me the entire time!

After an hour in the tub, my moans ended in uncontrallable urges to push and push I did. Tyra told me that I was doing great. I knew that since I couldn't deliver in the tub, unfortunately, I had to get out... and everything in me said... its time for this baby to come. Parker helped me out of the tub, Tyra helped me into a dry gown. But, the surges came so quickly I couldn't make it back to the bed in time and found the birthing ball halfway in between in hit the floor... leaned on the ball and worked through a couple more contractions. Ginger checked me on the floor and sure enough in 1 hour in that tub, I had gone all the way through transition and it was time to push!

(getting back in the bed to push)

(pushing)

Now I had thought I wanted to direct my own pushing... but, I remember Ginger asking if I wanted to see how they did it... and if I liked it we could keep that up. She put pressure in the direction I needed to push and I pushed and felt a sense of relief that this hard work was nearly over and I would meet my son very soon! So, I let her direct it and got the ball rolling. They paged Dr Harrison, nurses flooded the room. My Mom and Mother-in-law were there to help. Tyra was at the head of the bed encouraging me. Heidi had made it back around 10pm and was taking photos of the whole experience for us. I felt the most amazing support in that room! Parker was holding a leg, My Mom was holding a leg... and as I pushed I heard someone say my Mom looked faint... she had been holding her breath with me and was light headed... so Ginger instructed her to sit down and my Mother-in-law took over... she got light headed too. I heard Ginger call on her spec phone... I got "grandmas down in LD13"... bring some juice. So, Tyra took over my leg holding duties on that side.

Parker had signed up to deliver our son with Dr Harrison's approval and Dr Harrison made a mad dash into the room as the baby was crowning. a little petite blonde nurse took over my left leg support duties while Parker moved next to Dr Harrison to deliver our son. He gloved up, let

Dr Harrison clear Grey's head and pulled the rest of his little body out of me and placed him on my bare chest.

It was the most amazing experience. We had waited so long for this moment. The first words I said to him "Hello my friend... hello my sweet boy!" As I held my baby for the first time, I could hear the song "Sweet Sweet Baby" playing in the background... it was magical!

I looked up at my beautiful husband who was crying those precious happy tears as he kissed me and kissed our sons little head. I almost didn't notice the 30-45 minutes of suturing that were taking place below, since I had earned myself a complicated tear with my 30 minutes of fast and effective pushing. The nurses said i should teach a class on pushing, I was doing such a great job! Lol... Wish I had taken my time and saved myself a few stitches, but he was worth every stitch!

It was such an amazing moment.. I was exhausted, but so satisfied, so content. What a precious boy!

My Mom and Mother-in-law were there to see the birth of their grandson, which was also so special... In their own words, Parker and I were the most amazing team. They were so impressed with the fact that not once was there a moment of panic or frustration or fear... just peaceful, working together for this common goal.

(Proud Grandmas!)

Hardest work I've ever done, but so much support and preparation gave me the strength that I needed to do it as I had wanted... med free... even with Pitocin! It was an amazing feeling... my baby was so alert, so wide eyed... he nursed almost immediately... it was amazing how present he was and that was what I was hoping for!

Tyra...my awesome doula!

Dr Harrison!

Ginger and Tyra with Parker and I

What an amazing blessing... a pregnancy of my own... a med free labor and delivery... a sweet perfect baby boy just as I had prayed, and fasted and prayed some more for! How humbling it is to have your prayer answered just as you had hoped it would be... Faith in God means Faith in his timing....

and while I am hormonal and weepy and exhausted and sore here 2 1/2 weeks after his birth... I still could not be more thankful, more in awe, and more humbled by the miracle of it all!

sweet daddy
hello my friend... my sweet baby boy!
our first family photo

Sweet Sweet Baby.... "if you knew how much this moment means to me and how long [we've] waited for your touch.. if you knew how happy you are making me... I never thought that I'd love anyone so much... it feels like Home to me...."